Now that I'm a big kid who doesn't live with Mommy and Daddy anymore, I've become a bit of a baby. Well, honestly, I've always been a bit of a baby. I guess I never grew out of it.
For starters, I have a serious fear of needles. Like, complete, inappropriate fear, because really, unless it's a shot in the ass (or elbow) it really doesn't hurt. So ridiculous is my fear that I found it absolutely necessary to tell my new doctor in Santa Monica that if I was going to get blood drawn that I would probably pass out. Well, being the awesome doctor that he is, when I showed up at the blood drawing place, they made a huge show, in front of kids no doubt, "Oh we heard about you. You're the big baby who needs to lie down."
Don't get me started on the girly doctor. I stress myself out so much that I need to take the day off work just to get my annual Pap. Oh, and I've definitely had the doctor ask me to pop two valium before getting there.
Right now, I'm fighting a vicious battle with poison oak. At least I think that's what it is. Wikipedia says that poison ivy doesn't grow in California, Hawaii, or Alaska, and poison sumac doesn't grow west of Idaho. And of course it's true because Wikipedia doesn't lie, and everything you find on the internet is true.*
Anyways, I've got this wicked rash all over my left elbow (not to be confused with the keg injured right elbow), as well as my left calf. And PS, it is nasty. Like, can't even handle touching it when I put medicine on it nasty. How did I get said itchies you ask? I have no fucking clue. Did I go hiking? No. Did I come into contact with any type of bush? No, well unless you count the half dead ferns and wild flowers growing by my front door. Still not poison oak.
Have you ever looked up home remedies for poison ivy/oak? One is bleach. I thought, "Bleach?! Who is fucking dumb enough to put straight bleach on their skin?"
While I'm certainly not dumb enough, I am quite desperate. Thankfully, Jota got me some fancy stuff called Tecnu EXTREME.
"Dude, that is so not extreme."
Sorry, couldn't help letting that one slip. The stuff is amazing! It has these great little scrubbies that allow me 15 seconds of complete and total relief of the itch. Which I need. I hear the ocean helps as well. I guess I know where I will be this weekend.
* so maybe I'm generalizing a bit.