Thursday, October 30, 2008

Parking Wars

So I might have yelled at a grandma the other day. I might have called her a bitch, and told her to go fuck herself and then play in traffic. I might have a bit of road rage. I might not give a shit because I did grandma a favor. I mean, if she seriously thinks she can get away with the parking lot shenanigans she pulled with me last night, she's in serious trouble this holiday season.

First, let's go over some parking lot ground rules.
  1. Please use your blinker to indicate that you're waiting on a spot.

  2. Please pull as far to the right as possible so that other cars can get around you while you wait.

  3. If you're going to slowly drive behind someone while they walk through the lot, ask them if they're actually going to leave. Not doing so is just plain creepy.

  4. Once you've passed a space, do not back up. Deal with it, and continue to wait patiently.

Last night I stopped at Joann's Fabric on the way to my work event. I pulled into the small, horribly designed lot, and holy crikey was it packed. I was actually still sitting with the ass end of my car out on Lincoln Blvd, that is how crowded the parking lot was. So I'm sitting, and I'm waiting. The car in front of me, obviously frustrated, austin-powered around to get out of the lot. So I'm thinking, "Sweeeet, one less person for me to wait on."

I pull in so I'm not blocking the sidewalk, and luckily a woman walks out her car, the spot at the end of the parking lot. Yes, this could not work out any better. Oh I thought too soon. Crazy Grannie (who's waiting at the top of the lot) throws her car into reverse, skidding into a stop, blocking the car who's trying to leave. Then she sticks her had to wave me along. Excuse me? EXCUSE ME! I sat, didn't move, kept my blinker on. The lady trying to leave starts honking her horn. I'm all, "Dude, I'm not the one blocking your exit."

Crazy Grannie is all, "Well I'm not moving, I've waited 30 minutes for a spot."

Please see my diagram if you're having problems visualizing the situation.

Me, better the bigger person and all, decides to leave, but not without unleashing the fury on Botox Babs. This Christmas season, I hope she runs into her friend Silicone Sally who drives a Range Rover while trying to park at The Grove.

Working Girl

So last night my entire team ended up going to The Parlor in Santa Monica to watch the Lakers/Clippers game with our client. Fun, right? Or not. Boss Lady put me "in charge" of the viewing party, and by in charge I mean she picked the time, location, invitees, etc. All I really needed to do was get there early and make sure food and champagne was on the table when everyone arrived. Of course, she was nearly an hour late, meaning the apps I had ordered were long gone, and everyone was bored as hell, sitting around waiting for her so we could order dinner.

You'd think we would have been a more lively bunch. I mean here we are, sitting in a pretty decent bar, eating pretty decent food, drinking multiple bottles of pricey champagne; and people are more into watching the commercials and half time than the actual game. This is why I will never, ever, watch an NBA game with people from work again. I just wanted to scream, "People, enjoy the game! Stop bitching about AT&T this, Motorola that."

Ahh marketing. I hates it. The only good part of the night was my genius idea of absconding the unopened bottle of Veuve left on our table. Hello and welcome to High Class Halloween at the Jotas tomorrow night!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Halloween Time

I'll admit it. I love Halloween because it's the one day of the year I can dress like a slut and not have to worry about it. There, I said it. Mainly because my idea of slutty is totally G rated compared to most girls in LA who go all out for Halloween. Slap a leotard on me with some cute bunny ears and I'm good to go.

This year though, I have no idea what to be. I have all of these great costumes and parts of costumes, but no direction on what to do.
I have this gigantic, obnoxious white fur coat, that I've always wanted to wear with a bikini and blue wig, and be Lil' Kim, but Jota says no one will get it. Seriously, how can you forget this...

I also have this Rapunzel-esue wig I wore last year to be Princess Toadstool. I was thinking if I got a nude unitard, I could go as Lady Godiva minus the horse. Byn had a great idea of taking that outfit, add a bedazzler, and go as Britney circa her "oops I did it again" MTV VMA performance.

Freaking sweet! If only I had time to make a tear away pant suit. The problem is I can't find nude dance pants anywhere. Once I find them though, it's on. Then I need to figure out a way to rig the ipod speakers to the back of the pants so I can play Ms. Spears all night long. And get a butterfly tramp stamp.

If this doesn't work, I always have my girl scout, St Pauli girl, or Strawberry Shortcake costumes to fall back on.

What are you being for Halloween?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Wait, Not Again

Yep, I'm taking a break from the booze again. Thankfully this time it's not to...
  1. Lose more weight.
  2. Stop being a total crazy person.
  3. Optimize weight loss.
  4. Hide my alcoholic beverage intake from my mom.
  5. Stop attacking my friends like a total crazy person.
  6. Remedy the blackouts.
  7. All of the above.

Nope, this time around it's because I'm plain old. And dude, old people get hangovers. Like irregardless of two beers or ten.

What I really should do is condition myself for the inevitable non-stop party that will be Byn's Thanksgiving visit, however I'm too lazy for that and will instead just quit until she gets here and then struggle through the hangover induced haze while she's here.

Homecoming turned out to be quite the adventure. I ended up rocking the sparkly blue dress with silver heels, headband, and my homemade corsage. Jota, looking like a dapper skater, dressed himself in plaid shorts, blue blazer, and ridiculous high tops. I need to get on updating my Flickr.

A few moments worth mentioning...

Class President Paul passed out in the front yard, Long Duk Dong style. I'd post photos but fear Homecoming Queen Allison will track me down and unleash the wrath on me like she did on Liz, and the cab her ride home. Yikes.

The boys performed like rockstars. Being artists, they claim to have sucked a phatty, and seeing as I was incredibly intoxicated, I can't argue otherwise. I do remember that at one point Jota chugged a cup of punch, threw the empty on the ground, stole a mic from someone and demanded a beer and jello shots. I happily obliged. And at one point, Murph jumped into the crowd to do the alligator while doing his best to imitate Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future. Drew pretty much held things together until he busted a string, in the second song. Meanwhile, I'm off to the side shouting to Michelle, "Dude, I gotta PEEEEE, but the last time I went during their show I got teased for the rest of the night."

At one point I found myself shovelling handfuls of Baked Lays and Sun Chips in my mouth, alternating flavors with gulps of beer. Thankfully I was a good girl and only had one cup of Amanda's deadly Pink Panty Droppers. Others, not so lucky. See above; Paul, Allison, Jota.

Sunday was unfortunately a waste of beautifulness as I was practically fused to the couch. Em did motivate me to get my ass to her house for yummy chili and spaghetti for dinner before our softball game. Note to self, do not eat chili when hungover, especially if you intend on any type of physical activity later on. I didn't even have Duff around to blame the smell on.

So, unless someone can reccomend an excellent hangover cure or even better preventor, I'm off the booze for a bit.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Shallow and Vapid

That's right.  If you're looking for insightful commentary on the election, our economy draining down the crapper, or anything else that requires reading something other than the Calendar section of the LA Times*, move on.  Not here.  Not today.  Not any day really because as I've mentioned before, I tend to get pretty worked up, and would rather spare y'all my crazy lunatic rants.  

Anywho...the gals over at 1249 are having one of their infamous bashes**.  This time around we're celebrating the time honored tradition of Homecoming.  Of course the first thing that comes to my mind is, "What am I going to wear?"

In a moment of brilliance, I remembered I saved all of my gowns from like every homecoming, prom, and pageant.  Sadly, the green velvet, cap sleeved, short dress, with tulle did not make it past freshman year.  WTF Cousin Jet, I know this monstrosity is languishing away in your closet missing out on all the great theme parties and Halloweens.  Knowing the mama was coming out in September, I begged and pleaded for her to make room in her bag.  Surprisingly, she actually remembered to bring all of them, throwing in the expected, "I don't see why I'm bringing these.  You'll never be able to fit into them."  

Without further ado, please dear friends help me decide what to  wear on Saturday!  And let me know like yesterday, because they all reek of my parents' wood stove, and I need to dry clean immediately.  Yes, I'm being cheap and only cleaning the one I wear.  Times are tough, money's tight, Wall Street's tanking, blah blah blah.    

Prom, junior year.  Worst date, and worst hair ever.  I had this horrible zig zag part with a bouffant mohawk.  No, I'm not joking.  Be thankful I don't have photos to share.  Ugh, and my date who wanted to go as "friends" tried to get fresh with me all night.  When I'd finally had enough, I called my mom at 2am claiming to be sick.  Also worn in the 1999 Miss Maryland USA pageant.  My mom's idea of the best way to keep me from gaining the "Freshman 15".      

Please excuse the wrinkles!  All these lovelies have been smushed in a bag for the past two weeks.  I wasn't kidding when I said they all smell like smoke.  This one is from sophomore homecoming, worn again for Byn's senior homecoming, and again by me for the Fair Queen Pageant.  Yep, Fair Queen, as in cows, pigs, corn and tomatoes.   

Senior homecoming, at a neighboring school.  I LOVED this dress!  I did not love the fact that I couldn't even wear undies because it's skin tight.  I might have to rule this one out due to the massive amounts of beer I plan on drinking.

Ok, technically this one was worn at the first wedding I was allowed to drink at.  I might have just broken up with the best man, and really wanted to piss his date off.  I might have taken shots of Jager at the dinner table with the only other single person there, and in front of my parents.  I also might have needed to be carried out of the reception, and I might have unsuccessfully tried to vomit out my car window while the car was moving.  It's possible that after that mishap, I passed out in my eleven year old brother's lap.  I think this might be the reason why he doesn't drink.  I think my parents should have thanked me for showing him the evils of alcohol.  I also think this dress knows how to have fun.  

Help please!
* Yeah right, like I'd waste precious brain cells on what I often describe as "the most poorly written publication of our time."  Washington Post all the way.  

** Please refer back to May/June for a recap of keg curls and table throwing at the Frat Party.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Pre-Weekend Update

First, many thanks to Katelin for well wishes on pastry school. One day I'll messenger over some sweet goodies to you. Only if you promise to share them with Ryan Gossling. Anywho, I'm officially applied and accepted, now I only need to figure out how on Earth I intend to pay for it. Because seriously y'all, pastry school is freaking expensive.

Nothing much going on in the World o' James this week. I went up to Seattle for an agency meeting that I spent pretty much all summer planning. Well, technically I spent about three weeks on this one, but there were multiple others including trips on seaplanes to British Colombia, private trains to Vancouver, and dinner cruises in Puget Sound that were cancelled. I kid you not. Having the freedom to spend nearly $30,000 on 30 people has pretty much ruined any chance I ever had of planning a small, budget friendly wedding. Not that I'm doing that. No pressure honey!

No big plans for the weekend. Softball on Sunday, a little H&M with Em and the family. I'm in the mood to bake some autumn treats for the office on Monday, so I'll try to get around to that. People have requested brownies. I'm beginning to think I'm the only person in the world who prefers brownies from a mix to the real thing. Maybe I just haven't found the right recipe?

The girls are hosting a homecoming party next weekend, so I may need some opinions on which dress to wear from my formative HS years. Pictures to be provided early next week.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

So much to do, so little time

Oh hello sad, neglected blog. Miss me? Jota posted more in September than me, and you know I can't have that.

Had a fantastic visit with the, seriously. I'll add some flickr photos of us having the most fantastic time, promise. Even enjoyed some QT with Aunt S and Uncle D. Maybe there was one awkward moment, but that is significantly better than most interactions with the family.

Right now I'm frantically running around like a crazy person, trying to pull together a corporate off site (Seattle, here I come!), trips to Europe (not mine), oh and finishing my application for pastry school.

Yes, you read that correctly, pastry school. I gave my notice three weeks ago, was promptly offered part time work, and am now deciding if staying is actually worth it. We shall see how that goes. Classes start in January, and I've never been more pumped to spend four hours a day in a sweltering kitchen.

Looking forward to Byn's visit for Thanksgiving, and our trip to Disneyland for Christmas photos with Mickey and Minnie. I recently discovered a new Kitson warehouse across the street from Sprinkles Cupcakes in BH, this my friends is trouble. Orange Cranberry and Ginger Maple are the special flavors while she's here. I'll take those along with some Banana, Peanut Butter Chocolate, and my all-time favorite, Cinnamon Sugar. Byn, are you cool with replacing turkey dinner with cupcakes and Andre?