Long time, no type

Heeyyy. How's it going? No, I didn't forget about my blog*, I've just been super busy what with quitting my job and starting pastry school full time.

Speaking of, I'm in serious need of getting my booty back on my monthly goals track. I've gained a few of my pounds back, but you would too if you were making danish, croissant, and baked Alaska 4 days a week. On top of that, we took our annual Shake that Big Bear ski trip the first weekend of Feb, and who sprained her MCL? This girl. While I'm not gimping around town anymore, I'm starting to swim tomorrow in an effort to maintain my new found daily pastries habit. What, a girl needs her sweets.

So what have I been up to? Here's the bullet version:

• Went to Raleigh for work meetings in Dec, and went to a bar with skee ball. SKEE BALL! How freaking sweet is that?
• Went home to MD for Christmas, drove around like a freaking manic, and swore to never return again. Except we have like 50 million wedding to go to this year, and all of them are there. Drat.
  
• Gave Duff a bath. Evidently he's a bit stinky.
  
• Finished working in Jan, job searching all of Feb, and so incredibly thankful I can now enjoy my Blackberry rather than thinking of it as an evil tether to Boss Lady.
• Moved. Like 6 blocks. $100 more per month in rent for a parking space, laundry, two times as much space, and an ocean view. Yes, I'm crazy.
• Joining a book club when I was so adamantly against joining one in the past. Justification: I need to meet new people other than the obnoxious 18 year olds in school with me. And duh, I like to read.
  
• Babysitting Liam! OK, only once, but J and I kicked ass at it! I mean, we were excellent role models for the young man.
  

I don't think I'll be able to update often as I have in the past, but here's a little peek at what I've been up to!

Little Venice Baker

March Goals:
Get back on track with my exercise, most importantly, keeping my knee healthy.
Convince my friends to have weekly family dinners so I have somewhere to put all my baked goods, other than my mouth.
Start my etsy shop with local delivery for most goods, and shipping for others. Cookies anyone?


xoxo James

* I still use it to read all the fabulous blogs in my roll, Google Reader what? Now I just need to get on actually commenting.

Shallow and Vapid

That's right.  If you're looking for insightful commentary on the election, our economy draining down the crapper, or anything else that requires reading something other than the Calendar section of the LA Times*, move on.  Not here.  Not today.  Not any day really because as I've mentioned before, I tend to get pretty worked up, and would rather spare y'all my crazy lunatic rants.  

Anywho...the gals over at 1249 are having one of their infamous bashes**.  This time around we're celebrating the time honored tradition of Homecoming.  Of course the first thing that comes to my mind is, "What am I going to wear?"

In a moment of brilliance, I remembered I saved all of my gowns from like every homecoming, prom, and pageant.  Sadly, the green velvet, cap sleeved, short dress, with tulle did not make it past freshman year.  WTF Cousin Jet, I know this monstrosity is languishing away in your closet missing out on all the great theme parties and Halloweens.  Knowing the mama was coming out in September, I begged and pleaded for her to make room in her bag.  Surprisingly, she actually remembered to bring all of them, throwing in the expected, "I don't see why I'm bringing these.  You'll never be able to fit into them."  

Without further ado, please dear friends help me decide what to  wear on Saturday!  And let me know like yesterday, because they all reek of my parents' wood stove, and I need to dry clean immediately.  Yes, I'm being cheap and only cleaning the one I wear.  Times are tough, money's tight, Wall Street's tanking, blah blah blah.    

Prom, junior year.  Worst date, and worst hair ever.  I had this horrible zig zag part with a bouffant mohawk.  No, I'm not joking.  Be thankful I don't have photos to share.  Ugh, and my date who wanted to go as "friends" tried to get fresh with me all night.  When I'd finally had enough, I called my mom at 2am claiming to be sick.  Also worn in the 1999 Miss Maryland USA pageant.  My mom's idea of the best way to keep me from gaining the "Freshman 15".      

Please excuse the wrinkles!  All these lovelies have been smushed in a bag for the past two weeks.  I wasn't kidding when I said they all smell like smoke.  This one is from sophomore homecoming, worn again for Byn's senior homecoming, and again by me for the Fair Queen Pageant.  Yep, Fair Queen, as in cows, pigs, corn and tomatoes.   

Senior homecoming, at a neighboring school.  I LOVED this dress!  I did not love the fact that I couldn't even wear undies because it's skin tight.  I might have to rule this one out due to the massive amounts of beer I plan on drinking.

Ok, technically this one was worn at the first wedding I was allowed to drink at.  I might have just broken up with the best man, and really wanted to piss his date off.  I might have taken shots of Jager at the dinner table with the only other single person there, and in front of my parents.  I also might have needed to be carried out of the reception, and I might have unsuccessfully tried to vomit out my car window while the car was moving.  It's possible that after that mishap, I passed out in my eleven year old brother's lap.  I think this might be the reason why he doesn't drink.  I think my parents should have thanked me for showing him the evils of alcohol.  I also think this dress knows how to have fun.  

Help please!

    

* Yeah right, like I'd waste precious brain cells on what I often describe as "the most poorly written publication of our time."  Washington Post all the way.  

** Please refer back to May/June for a recap of keg curls and table throwing at the Frat Party.

Pre-Weekend Update

First, many thanks to Katelin for well wishes on pastry school. One day I'll messenger over some sweet goodies to you. Only if you promise to share them with Ryan Gossling. Anywho, I'm officially applied and accepted, now I only need to figure out how on Earth I intend to pay for it. Because seriously y'all, pastry school is freaking expensive.

Nothing much going on in the World o' James this week. I went up to Seattle for an agency meeting that I spent pretty much all summer planning. Well, technically I spent about three weeks on this one, but there were multiple others including trips on seaplanes to British Colombia, private trains to Vancouver, and dinner cruises in Puget Sound that were cancelled. I kid you not. Having the freedom to spend nearly $30,000 on 30 people has pretty much ruined any chance I ever had of planning a small, budget friendly wedding. Not that I'm doing that. No pressure honey!

No big plans for the weekend. Softball on Sunday, a little H&M with Em and the family. I'm in the mood to bake some autumn treats for the office on Monday, so I'll try to get around to that. People have requested brownies. I'm beginning to think I'm the only person in the world who prefers brownies from a mix to the real thing. Maybe I just haven't found the right recipe?

The girls are hosting a homecoming party next weekend, so I may need some opinions on which dress to wear from my formative HS years. Pictures to be provided early next week.

So much to do, so little time

Oh hello sad, neglected blog. Miss me? Jota posted more in September than me, and you know I can't have that.

Had a fantastic visit with the moms...no, seriously. I'll add some flickr photos of us having the most fantastic time, promise. Even enjoyed some QT with Aunt S and Uncle D. Maybe there was one awkward moment, but that is significantly better than most interactions with the family.

Right now I'm frantically running around like a crazy person, trying to pull together a corporate off site (Seattle, here I come!), trips to Europe (not mine), oh and finishing my application for pastry school.

Yes, you read that correctly, pastry school. I gave my notice three weeks ago, was promptly offered part time work, and am now deciding if staying is actually worth it. We shall see how that goes. Classes start in January, and I've never been more pumped to spend four hours a day in a sweltering kitchen.

Looking forward to Byn's visit for Thanksgiving, and our trip to Disneyland for Christmas photos with Mickey and Minnie. I recently discovered a new Kitson warehouse across the street from Sprinkles Cupcakes in BH, this my friends is trouble. Orange Cranberry and Ginger Maple are the special flavors while she's here. I'll take those along with some Banana, Peanut Butter Chocolate, and my all-time favorite, Cinnamon Sugar. Byn, are you cool with replacing turkey dinner with cupcakes and Andre?

Housekeeping...

You want fresh towels?

List of things I need to do soon in no particular order...

1. Add all of my new twitter buddies to my blogroll. That way I will actually read everything and not miss stuff.
2. Give Duff a haircut and a bath. Homeboy needs his flea meds next week and is looking pretty scruffy.
3. Get back on a regular gym habit. Between my birthday, the poison oak, and my laziness, I've totally lost all of my cardio shape. Seriously, I almost puked after 13 minutes on the treadmill last night.
4. Go to Sports Chalet for the following: softball glove, cleats, boxing gloves, spin shoes, and a tennis racquet. Since when did I morph into Sporty Spice?
5. Do some research on eating/cooking vegetarian meals. I'm not giving up steak just yet, but I do heart me some beans.
6. Get rid of the gigantic Ikea desk taking up precious space in the living room. In the process of looking for a chair that converts to some type of bed that's not mad expensive. PS this would be for you Byn!
7. Figure out WTF I'm going to do with Jota gone from Sat to Thurs. I'm trying to not watch all of the shows I dvr'ed (Did I really just use that as a verb?) this week.
8. Lay off the booze for a bit to optimize weight loss. Momma comes to town on the 20th, and sadly I need to look as thin as possible. Especially since she's bringing all of my HS homecoming/prom dresses for the girl's party on the 27th.
9. Try not to get so worked up about the election.
10. Remind myself that just because someone doesn't see that my way is the right way, it doesn't mean they're a freaking idiot. Control freak? Yesthankyouverymuch.

PS, I only discuss politics with Jota because he can't get rid of me. But if you want my opinion, check out my girl Kiah. She says everything I want to say without getting in a flustered huff.

Reason # 167 why I can't live alone

You know how they say everyone should experience living on their own once in their life? Not me. I'm no good at being alone. I mean like physically being alone. If left to my own devices, I'd probably become a hermit. A super messy, trashy tv watching, take out eating, wine swilling hermit.

Jota has been out of town for two days, and in that time I...

• Checked the large closet, small closet, and shower 10+ times for crazy men who may have somehow come in through the chained door while I was in the kitchen making dinner.
• Took the trash out for the first time in four months. I almost had to call him to find out where we keep the trash bags.
• Left the recycling in our bin because I have no idea where the big bin is outside.
• Loaded the dishwasher after making dinner. House rule: I cook, you clean. Sweet deal right? Not when it's just me. I'm a messy chef.
• Walked Duff morning and night. Snuggled with Duff morning and night. Stumbled over Duff at the front door while he cried for Jota. Duff is not a one person dog. He's a needy bitch with the ability to drive anyone mad with his incessant need for love.
• Walked to the liquor store to buy tampons, wine, and a pint of Ben and Jerry's.
• Debated calling the cops at 2:00am because the bum kids were smoking pot on the corner. Oh and having dog fights.
• Debated calling Jota at 2:15am because I needed to pee and was afraid to walk to the bathroom "alone".
• Thought up excuses for why I can't bike to a concert at the pier tonight. Winner: "I'm baking for the office in celebration of the holiday weekend."
• Tried on tons of outfits after drinking 1/2 a bottle of Beaujolais, leaving the majority of the clothes strewn around the bedroom.

Once upon a time, long ago, actually almost five years ago, Byn was thisclose to convincing me to move to Tampa for a few months before Jota and I came to Santa Monica. Girl, thank God you dodged that bullet.

Because I'm hungover

You know the drill. I'm too lazy to do something original today. Snagged this one from little Miss Wishcake.

What were you doing five years ago?

1. I was 22 (a baby!), living at home with the parents.

2. Dating an asshole and cheating on him every chance I had.

3. Spending the summer flirting like a maniac with Jota even though he had a girlfriend.

4. Deciding not to go back to Radford for my final year of school. Greatest decision ever. The not going back there, probably should still consider finishing school.

5. Working promotions at 98.7 WMZQ. To this day, best job ever.



What are/were five things on your to-do list for today?

1. Plan a trip to Vancouver for work that I should have done a month ago.

2. Go to the gym! I've gained 5 lbs since my birthday. Bad James.

3. Give Duff a bath. Jota is taking him to work one day this week. He was a bit scruffy last time.

4. Get rid of my hangover. Hopefully lunch with LM will help.

5. Make some tasty banana bread before Jota throws out my nanners.



What are five snacks you enjoy?

1. Fruit, fruit and more fruit.

2. String cheese. Yum!

3. Chocolate covered pretzel 100 calorie packs.

4. Greek yogurt with berries.

5. BBQ chips.



What five things would you do if you were a billionaire?

1. Buy one of my dream homes on the Venice Canals.

2. Give a considerable amount to all 4 of my parents. And Jota's parents.

3. Quit my yuck job and get my dream job. Owning my own bakery.

4. Buy my own jet. Fuel prices may be insane, but Duff could fly without having to be crammed under the seat in front of me. And Byn could come visit whenever she wanted.

5. Donate massive amounts to my favorite organizations/charities.



What are five of your bad habits?

1. I procrastinate like a booger. See my to-do list for the day.

2. Biting my nails. They're way pretty right now though!

3. Smoking cigs when I'm wasted. Sorry babe.

4. Getting snotty with Jota when he asks dumb (actually quite normal) questions.

5. I shop way too much.



What are five places you have lived?

1. Union Bridge, Maryland. Born and not really raised. Don't remember anything about this place.

2. Beallsville, Maryland. Down on the farm. Believe it or not, I really did spend the first 23 years of my life on a farm, and somehow escaped learning how to drive a tractor. I think it had something to do with me driving the motorcycle face first into the barn.

3. Radford, Virginia. Dear God, Please let me never return. Oh and thank you for looking after me, because seriously, no one else was.

4. Santa Monica, California. Our first home! Some girl told us to live west of 26th, and north of the 10. We totally took that to heart, settling 11 blocks from the ocean. Now if I were to give people advice, I would say west of 26th unless you're south of Pico, then you want to be west of Lincoln. Or, just move to Venice.

5. Venice Beach, California. Our current abode. Our neighbor Camilla describing it perfectly this weekend, "Our building is like Melrose Place. Only you know, more intelligent, and less slutty."



What are five jobs you've had?

1. Reservationist/Reception at a super posh golf club in town. The 14th hole backs up to the farm and while they were building the course, I had a blast golf carting around the paths. Yes I said golf cart. My parents couldn't trust me with a four wheeler after the barn "incident". I've seen two Presidents and Michael Jordan play golf.

2. Office Manager at Bally Total Fitness. Why someone would give this job to a nineteen year old is beyond me, but whatevs. Not really sure what I did exactly other than boss the front desk girls around and flirt with the lifeguards.

3. Promotions at MZQ. Picture me at the Toby Keith concert at Nissan Pavilion standing on top of an ice cream truck with a mega phone yelling to 25,000 drunken fans, "Hey! Everyone needs to take three big steps back. Ready? One, two, THOSE STEPS AREN'T BIG ENOUGH, Three." Or the crowd favorite, "Show me your tits and Sean will hook you up." I'm a classy one.

4. Nordstrom's during holiday season. I will never work retail again. I did get some sweet deals though.

5. Marketing assistant at an un-named sports agency. Pretty fun I guess. Good peeps, which is nice. Oh and I own more T-Mobile magenta clothing than like, anyone.

The night we slept on the beach...oh and my birthday!

A bit late, but yes! Seeing as my birthday day fell on a Tuesday this year, I got to spend an entire week celebrating. Not that birthdays are ALL about gifts, but my friends are the greatest!

• Emmy Fro got me a great lavender mask, an appletini fizzy bubble bath, and some delicious smelling lotion from Vicky's.

• Boss Lady really surprised me with a gift certificate to Exhale Spa in Santa Monica.



• Jota got me a new i-pizzle, complete with arm band for the gym. He also got me a condom for my phone. Hopefully it will have a longer life than the last one.

• Byn sent me quite possibly the cutest assortment of gifts I've ever received. A cupcake cookbook, a grillz lollipop, grow my own birthday cake, and the cutest little photo album ever!


• Liz hooked me up with a nice rolling pin. Random you might say, but she remembered hearing me say that I usually use a bottle of wine when rolling out my pizza crust. She also gave me a great baking cookbook.


• Jota's parents sent me beautiful flowers to the office. I loved them!

So yes, my friends are the bestest friends in the entire world. Each one of them totally picked out a part of my personality and ran with it. I truly appreciate each and every one of them.  The friends, not the presents.  Gosh, I'm not that bratty.  

The best part of my birthday was Saturday, when we raced cars, putt putted, and rock climbed our way through Mulligan's Family Fun Center in Torrance. It was incredibly hot, but absolutely the most fun I've had in ages!

On the way home, we stopped by Drew and Liz's for a dip in the pool and some margaritas. And some pina coladas, yum. And some beers. We jetted home in time to shower, and meet Annie and Kevin out for some more beers and fun at Hinano. Jota and I left soon after midnight, stopped by Nick's Market to grab a road beer for the walk to Townhouse, but unfortunately never made it. We did however make it to the beach, only to fall asleep on a towel until about 4:00 in the morning. Oops.

Best.Weekend.Ever.

Ok, maybe a slight exaggeration, but seriously one of the best weekends in a while. Friday night I dashed out of work to see Sex and the City with the girls. Everyone came dressed as their favorite character, which ended up being super cute. I had this great plan to wear a black backless dress with heels and a blue wig (you know, because Samantha wore a pink one when she had cancer...), but unfortunately I was stuck way late at work for stupid reasons. So I was all bitter, and nearly in tears (hello crazy), but it's ok because the dress I wore to work looked just like the dress Carrie wore in the book reading scene. Only less puffy around the neck.


Saturday morning Jota and I lazed around in bed with the Duff until 11 or so. Later in the morning we took off on our bikes, and headed to the Promenade for some shopping. Jota got some new sunglasses, and I found a super cute navy eyelet dress that was 50% off! Afterward, Barker met up with us for lunch at Barney's, where we got a super primo spot on the front of the patio. I seriously could have sat there all day. That is until a pigeon flew into the side of my head. Little fucker. That night we went out with Da and Kel for Laura's birthday. Sports Harbour is usually not my kind of bar, but when you're knocking back the Shirley Temples, nothing is more exciting than games! Played some Pop-a-Shot, watched some shuffle board, and almost got around to pinball, but ran out of quarters.


Sunday morning was a repeat of Saturday. Slept in late. Woke up without a debilitating hangover. Amazing. Ended up biking over to the marina to go to Kinkos for work. Work on a Sunday? Yes, because some people I work with obviously have a problem with time management. Whatevs. Luckily, DSW was nearby, and I found the yellow shoes I've been yearning for, at 40% off! Seriously, the bargain gods were totally on my side this weekend. Once we got home, I decided to give Duff his summer do. He's clipped super short, with a puffy tail, ears, and feet. Kind of like a circus lion from old cartoons.

Euro 2008 starts tomorrow? Or did it already start this week? Jota, help me out on this one. Either way, we're watching soccer and eating waffles starting at 9am tomorrow morning. I'd like to play some croquet by the beach in the evening. Hint, hint.

PS, I really intended to post this the other day, so obviously I'm way late on this weekend recap bullshizz.

So much to say...But I don't know what

I am not a happy girl. Lately it seems I've set myself on a vicious cycle fueled by booze, blackouts, accusations, hangovers, and apologies. Wash, rinse, repeat. I'm dreadfully angry, inexplicably hurt, lashing out in every direction, and placing blame on everyone but myself.

My first step, no more booze. Hard to believe I would drop the drinking for anything other than dropping a few pounds, but I know it's only making things worse. I'll be 27 in three weeks, and while I love the frat parties, bar cycles, and all day booze bashes at the beach, I'm too old to keep doing this shit every weekend.

Second step, get help. As in professional. Thinking this scares me. Typing it freaks me out. And saying it; makes me tear up.

So new goal? Stop being crazy, and start getting happy. Wow, I sound like a self help book already.

Such a Brat

DH's roomie made cookies last night, and there is a plate of them on my desk. My desk just happens to be the spot where people know to look for treats because, duh, I like to bake. However, I do not like these healthy, organic cookies on my desk. They're ugly. I don't know what they taste like, but people keep saying they're super sweet. And I do not want people thinking I make ugly, super sweet, organic cookies.

I iz a Trainwreck

I might have a problem, or two. One of them might be alcohol related. First things first, someone, anyone, take Berry away from me when I drink. Second, should I be worried that lately I black out every time I drink? On second thought, if Berry had not been hanging out in my bra all Saturday, I would have absolutely no idea what happened versus at least having the ability to check my twitter Sunday morning. Wow, that should be an ad, "Twitter, allowing you to black out and still remember your night since 2008."

So what really happened? Kel, Da, and L hosted a frat party at their house Saturday night. The boys played. I did keg curls. Keg curls. Like, curling an empty keg multiple times. I'm not going to be able to lift with my right arm all week. I knocked a table over with a bowl of chips. Picked up the chips, put them back into the bowl and said something to the effect of, "God made dirt, and dirt don't hurt."

I rubbed Em's pregnant belly, a day after saying that I wasn't quite ready for that. PS Em, it's a real cute pregnant belly!

Hung out with DH (Dawn H aka Vodka Dawn or VD for short.) Everything was fine for a bit. I'm not going into specifics, but let's just leave it at words were had. Mean ones. Hateful ones. Ones that made me wake up in the morning thinking, "Fuck. I am a bitch. It all needed to be said, but not in that way. Not in front of everyone."

So DH and I hugged it out over the phone last night. Shit's not all weird at work today. We joked that everyone in our incestuous little group will spend the entire week snickering about the "incident", and waiting to see how we'll act this Saturday in Hermosa. Except it's not really a joke. One of, if not the main point we discussed, is how our group gossips like a bitch. We all do, I do. And it's got to stop. So that's the story, at least what I'm willing to tell.

Over the river, and through the woods

I'm off to Big Bear this afternoon for some much needed chill time.  These past two weeks have been insanely stressful.  I've found myself nearing tears in the office, screaming at Jota for eating the last english muffin, and getting frustrated with Duff for, well, being Duff.  And how can I get angry at a face like this?

I haven't been sleeping well, ok fine, at all.  In all honesty, I can't even begin to understand where all of my anxiety is coming from.  The only good that's come out of this is the fact that my appetite is all but gone.  Which also freaks me out to say because no one wants "Crazy Diet College James" to come back.    

So Big Bear, here I come.  You better be full of wonderful powder, and your runs had better be kick ass.   

PS new goal: 145 by the end of Feb.  And then I'm only 5 more away from pre - CA James.  

But I'm Shama Training

Note to Self: You are no longer 21 years old. Can you think of the last time you tried boozing it up three nights in a row? Didn't think so.

Dear Hair

I know you're off to bigger and better things, like making two amazing wigs for children, but I can't help it...I miss you, all 14 inches of you.

With Love, me

New Year's Resolutions

No thanks. Why bother making a new rule that I'm going to follow for a while, and then completely toss out the window? I have however, decided to make some goals, and set a few guidelines:

• Go on a real vacation! No more of this using vacation days to go to Maryland bullshit.
• Actually lose the 20 lbs I've gained since moving to Cali. (6 down, 14 to go) woot woot!
• No more smoking cigs when I get all drunk and Dawn buys a pack for us to "share".
• Be super nice to everyone

I'm trying, really I am

Wow, I started this project as an outlet for my writing. Obviously I need to work on this more. There's some bitching, some half assed attempts, and some more bitching.
I feel like I don't have anything exciting to write about. I'm not living a crazy single life...I'm not even living a crazy couple life. I work everyday, I come home and take the dog for a walk, I make din, and I watch TV. Go ahead and say it, James = Lame-o.
So my new goal is to try and write about something new each week. Does this count?

Where to begin?

In all honesty, I'm not too sure why I've decided to start this. Possibly out of boredom, maybe a little bit of curiousity, but probably because I think it will be fun. I've been going back and forth about how to get started, and feel that a typical get-to-know-me introduction is the way to go. A tad cheesy, but as many know, cheesy = me.

So I live in sunny, southern California. One dog, one boyfriend, no white picket fence because well let's be serious, real estate is insane out here. I love that I can walk to the beach. I love even more that in the spring time if the weather is just right, I can go skiing in the morning, and make it home in time to bask on the sand before the sun goes down. I work for a sports media agency, which makes my lack of interest in sports even more hilarious. I LOVE to cook and bake. I'm constantly making cookies, cakes, lavish dinners, and anything else I can think of that will fatten up my tall, lanky man. It still hasn't worked, but I don't think he's complaining about my efforts. I'm the captain of a kickball team, and while it's not exactly challenging, I find that I play significantly better if I have a party cup in my hand. I'm also making an attempt to go back to school. I say this only because I really don't want to be back in school, but I know I have to finish it. So while you're galavanting across town, I'm getting my quadratic formula on! See, I try to get excited, but I really think that school is totally interferring with my social life.

I moved here almost two years ago from Maryland, right outside of DC. I grew up on a cattle farm, a fact that I think some of my new friends still don't believe. While I obviously miss my family and friends, it's the little things that have really started to tug the strings to my little heart. Like when my little sister sends me pictures of the tasty, refreshing Yuengling she's drinking, or talking to my mom and hearing about the frost and the leaves turning. Or getting to ride my horse around when I should help vacinate the cows. I miss having a bar on the first floor of my office building. Nothing beats being able to take the elevator downstairs after a tough day, and drinking vodka tonics, eating lots of fries, and gossiping with my best friends.

Phew! That's a start. A bit all over the place, but I had to start somewhere.